These limitations are manifestations of the problems lying at the core of someone. The reason I separate “limitation” from habit, is that the latter implies I just have to practice to get rid of it. A limitation is a bad characteristic that just can’t be unlearned away. One social limitation of mine is the unfortunate characteristic of closing up in the middle of an interaction with someone. So, if the mind represents a kind of orifice that, once open, allows the free exchange of discussion and ideas with someone, imagine that orifice closing, or “puckering up” in the middle of a conversation. Suddenly you can’t express yourself anymore… you strain to get the words out, but they don’t come.

Verbal constipation

During these moments I’m mentally flailing like a bird whose wings have been clipped. I struggle to collect my thoughts to push the words out. It often happens during some important moment: a conference call when it’s my turn to speak, or during a sales meeting with a client. And the worst thing is (besides being uncontrollable) is that it often hits me after I’ve expressed myself well for a few turns. It’s when I start to feel comfortable with my interlocutor.

In my younger years this effect was much worse. I couldn’t even form words and people sometimes struggled to understand me. Now, I just feel reluctant to speak and prefer not to be called on. When forced to speak, I struggle to find words, often stringing together many “ahs” and “ums.” I’ve heard recordings when this happened and I sound ridiculous, like someone who doesn’t know what they want to say, like someone boring and dumb.

As a fallback I often find a thought I’d expressed earlier but try to customize it in another variation. This might allow me to squeak by socially, but often doesn’t. It’s like the mind is frozen. What do you do then?

Fear

It must be a protective mechanism against fear. I have no antidote, no solution to this recurring problem in my life other than to try to understand it. There are moments when it doesn’t happen. For instance, the higher my confidence in a social situation, the less likely verbal constipation will strike. Anxiety also plays a role - anxiety about people’s acceptance and about the way I sound or come across.