Crossing paths
Jun 08, 2018
The extent of my guilt is sometimes farther than I can imagine
With my finances slowly draining and with my chronic inability to be successful, my only recourse is to be more objective with myself and try to figure out what is wrong with me.
My first observation is that I am way too hard on myself. I mean, I cause myself a lot of suffering with the constant self-berating and guilt. I’ve been working on this realization for the past few days and thought I was making progress till the moment I saw my hairdresser was standing on an opposite street corner, talking to someone. I saw there was no way to evade but I had to go my intended route, which would be to cross her path.
I’ve been seeing her for years but never outside of her business. I started to feel uncomfortable but walking away would have looked weird so I stayed glued to the spot, anguishing about what I would say. Somehow I had anticipated this for a long time. She is a very attractive woman and that day she looked great as usual. She was talking with a bald portly man but they didn’t seem intimate. I know she had noticed me and sometimes I looked down the street and other times, back at them as I waited an eternity for the light. I decided I would say hello when they crossed my path so as the light turned green I looked down the street at the cars, at the moment I noticed her looking at me.
As we got closer I faced her and looked into her face but she stared straight ahead, pretending to not notice me. Suddenly I felt strange and wondered why she was ignoring me. Somehow after all the years I’d been seeing her, and judging by how well we seemed to get along, I would have expected her to at least look at me. We walked right on by each other, me looking at her and her looking dead ahead.
Needless to say I was (and am) very disappointed. Is it not human to acknowledge the other in such a situation, where we both couldn’t avoid the sight of the other? What does that mean about our relationship. Somehow I couldn’t help turning the questions over in my mind the last 24 hours. I read on the internet about how many people in cities do that, as well as those with some “professional” relationship (such as work colleagues). I never feel the need to act this way but I don’t speak for anyone else. I’d also read that women are more prone than men to such social behavior.
I guess that clarifies her and my relationship after all. I feel bad inside somehow but there’s nothing I can do about it. Maybe I should have yelled hello, but given my own insecurities I didn’t. Therefore part of the blame remains with me I guess.
Analyzing things to death is necessary
If I accept my humanity I shouldn’t be too bothered by all this in fact. If there are guilty parties here, she shares as much of the blame as me. It would have been so simple to look at me rather than steadfastly ignoring me. A clear-headed person could see all this and accept it.
I on the other hand feel rejection. What does this say about me as a person (both for my insecurities and general attractiveness). I am now 48 and way past youth. No wonder she wouldn’t be interested in me. Speaking of her, is this some standard behavior she has with all clients? All this is hard to handle - though I believe the easiest part will be going back there for a haircut and pretending none of this happened.
At the moment I feel much internal turmoil, as if I’d been rejected or slapped in the face. I can tell you the only reason I didn’t say hello to her was that I didn’t know what to do in that situation. She was purposefully not staring at me and it’s true we have a “professional” relationship. This left me unsure. My pain comes from the fact that perceived rejections confirm my own inner bias that I’m inherently an ugly, uninteresting man, the kind of guy you want as little to do with as possible.
This is the way I’ve felt treated by others all my life, so this of course fits the pattern. As a person I’m distant and reserved with people because I fear rejection (and indeed get a lot of it somehow). The only person who is dependable in this life, whom I can really count on is me. I’m the only one who matters. Everyone else just comes and goes out of my life, as their needs/wants take them. I can truly say my wife has built her life on mine so she’s here (though for how long no one can say). And you can say I’ve staked my life on hers. But everyone else just comes and goes and their opinions and behavior don’t really matter. It’s up to me to adjust to this reality, not the other way around, for I can do nothing about it, just like I can’t do anything about my aging body, my greater propensity to gain weight, my yellowing teeth and slower reflexes. How much does all this really matter compared to my own satisfaction and happiness?
Just as I can do nothing about others’ behavior, I can do nothing about how fast I learn and how successful I am. Sure I can influence it, but I must also tackle a mountain of personal issues that succeed in blocking me and causing me to give up. But I cannot turn an “on” switch to become suddenly successful.