There’s a scene at the end of a long-forgotten movie, “Angel Heart,” where the devil (Robert De Niro) schools a private detective (Micky Rourke) about his true identity and the things he did. The movie closes with the detective’s long ride down to hell in an elevator.

The film is a mystery about strange happenings and coincidences occurring during the investigation. In the end, the detective’s true self and actions are revealed, to his disbelief.

In my life, and in moments when I’ve suffered the most from my condition, I’ve often felt like that detective. There’s something that operates inside of me, almost entirely independent of what I am and think. There’s no simple explanation for it except to say that it makes me suffer. It tends to make me feel disproportiate humiliation and embarassment in social situations.

The worst part is that, like the detective, it’s me who pays the price. The detective may not have been aware of his actions and feelings, but it was he who had to ride the elevator down.

I created this blog to document my perceptions and sufferings. It’s a lonely exercise, much like my condition, but I’m at a stage in my life where I’m able to understand and express some things. I’ve been through years of therapy, to little avail, and don’t feel it would be useful (unless I were to find a therapist specializing in this condition).

I’m given to understand the only hope for people like me is to learn to cope with the disorder, as I’ll never be “cured” (a prognosis I agree with based on my experiences).

I consider myself somewhat highly functioning - I’m able to get out and hold a job (for how long I can suffer through it is another question). People who meet or know me consider me an introvert but would be surprised to learn it’s actually a personality disorder.

In contrast my brother (who has similar symptoms) is unable and unwilling to hold a job and lives entirely as a hermit does, with no social contact with anyone whatsoever.

I hope this blog will serve the purpose of helping me analyze and cope better with my disorder. It’s mainly therapy for my own purposes and can be intense. I don’t imagine it’s of interest except for those sharing this condition.