In one of her videos, Dr. Sandra Parker mentioned that in the majority of cases when clients come to see her, they’re at the end of their rope so to speak. Going in to see a therapist is the last item on their life agenda, the thing they’ve put off all their lives till they could no more, and now perhaps something akin to oblivion is staring at them in the face.

I kind of feel I’m in the same boat at this point in my life. Nothing has worked for me, and as I look back over the past decades, I can see the self-denial clearly. There have been emotions simply too painful to face, that make me feel nauseated day in and day out, and that makes life a painful experience.

Who wants that? Definitely not me. Apart from the questions about why I am this way (I’ve learned to stop blaming my parents and to simply see my plight as self-imposed), living life according to my real feelings in the here and now is so painful and unpleasant that I can hardly blame myself for having skipped the cost for so long, choosing instead to try to be someone else or to simply substitute my miserable conclusions with thoughts of sex or other intense longings.

What I was missing for so long in the past was the technique of mindfulness. Yes, learning to just be in the present and focus on on breathing has been tremendously helpful in allowing me to fact my fears and feelings. Of course, in all these past years I never knew of this technique of self-awareness nor had anyone told me about it, so I missed this important way to find myself.

The here and now

Mindfulness is the path to helping me face my feelings in all kinds of situations but it’s clear that just a few years ago I wouldn’t have been able to do this. I remember my first visit with a therapist at around age 20 and at that point I could make a little progress with my depression and anxiety but I simply wasn’t ready to accept my own feelings. They were terrifying at the time - though they are less so now. It’s therefore understandable that it’s taken me so long to get to this point.

My biggest concern of course, when focusing on the here and now is what others will think of me. It’s strange because I care less than ever how others see me, and yet it’s an impulse that prompts me to all kinds of coping behavior. To face my feelings I have to somehow put this concern aside but it’s very hard to do and I often slip back to old ways.

And confronting my feelings head on is really like reliving my childhood. It’s amazing that in my late forties I still feel like a child in some situations, with the same unrealistic perceptions and expectations. The trick is to try to live with these, or put another way to see the world through “those” eyes and try to work through them. It goes to show that there are no quick or easy solutions to such a mess.

Sometimes I consider seeing a therapist again but in a way I feel like, were I to go to one, I would be able to anticipate all their statements in every situation. I’ve been to so many over the years that the conclusion is that, in the end, paying for someone to listen to you is no substitute to actually doing the work yourself.