One company in particular interests me because I know a couple of guys there. It’s directly in my field, and I feel I can make a contribution. The key question (as usual) is however, if I’m given the opportunity, how much will I be able to contribute?

Road to nowhere

Having come across this blog, by now you realize you’re not reading the words of a normal person. Or rather, you probably realize these are the words of someone who is vastly inhibited. He’s inhibited from reaching out to people and showing his true self. He’s inhibited because he cannot take opportunities when presented.

Let me give an example. In college when I was friends with a guy down the hall. He was really talented in many areas (among the top of his aerospace engineering class, friends with many non-nerdy people, etc.). I was similar to him in that we had the same major and perhaps the same seriousness about our studies. I think the main difference though was he was able to take advantage of presented opportunities, whereas I wasn’t.

Once he invited me on a river rafting day with his friends. We took intertubes, stripped down to our trunks and took beer along for the ride down the river. Some girls who knew him came along. In reality everyone had a good time, including me to some extent. Everyone was relaxed and uninhibited, so much so that one girl (who was pretty hot) felt me up under the water at some point. Having gone to a military boarding school with little or no contact with girls, I must admit to not knowing about women in general, so what was I to think at that point? Up to that point she hadn’t talked with me or made eye contact, so I naturally assumed she had no interest in me. She seemed shy as well (as I was of course).

At the moment she touched me I looked at her. She was floating in her innertube and giggling in a thrilled way with her friend (also a girl). An instinct in me kicked in and I decided to treat the incident as trivial but even a bit serious, and kind of ignored it.

How would my extroverted friend have acted in that situation? I’ll tell you, easily. He would have reciprocated at the next available opportunity. Objectively, there was nothing to it, and both the boy and girl would have laughed it off and acted normally (outwardly) for the rest of the day. It might be that, being a boy, he would have taken it as a signal of interest from her and tried to pursue it in some other context.

The above explanation is of course through the eyes my mid-forties self. My 19 year old self had a different view, and really didn’t know what to think or how to react.

I know, I know, I’m a sick puppy, dear reader. What a wasted opportunity to have fun. But having fun wasn’t really on my agenda for my overwhelmed self at the time. Today I’m middle aged and feel saddled with responsibilities and worries, and can only look back at that situation with sheer wonder at my own behavior. But I also promise you that today, I’m not that much better in terms of being unable to capitalize on opportunities.

Generally I’ve avoided making contact with people and putting myself in such situations and contexts. Had I been able to relax and generally be uninhibited throughout my life, it would have been a much richer experience.

Am I completely in a terrible way today? I have a warm, loving wife who understands me. I’m nevertheless inhibited with her too, and she’s unhappy with me. I think she’s become frustrated with my inhibitions (social and otherwise).

A wall

One issue that gets in my way with people and erects barriers to my efforts is my belief in having to be perfect - or more accurately, my belief in having to fit some predetermined mold or template that will be likeable by people. As a child, I needed to be behaved and well-liked by adults. Today I need to be successful. I was none of those things and probably never will be, but nevertheless continue to cling to those beliefs. It lends a dark and heavy aspect to my self-perception (if that makes sense).

Recently I’ve learned (through the videos of Dr. Sandra Parker) about slowing down and trying to indentify the pain or anxiety points occurring throughout my body. I’ve been learning meditation recently and need to practice this skill, as I’m definitely not educated to confront or embrace anxiety but to block it. When reflecting on the course of my life, though, I ask myself this: what if my success, or having to please people, didn’t matter in learning to connect with other human beings?

That’s what any reader of this blog believes, right? I definitely don’t or haven’t learned to.

Circling back to my job search, the prospect of being eight hours a day with other humans terrifies me. My beliefs and habits prevent me from connecting with people on a human level (though in a way I’ve always desired this but never knew how). In one of the videos I linked to above, the psychologist says that what we most deeply desire in connecting with others is to be known by people and to be judged as just “okay.” In other words, acceptance. It’s the simplest of requests, and yet for many people, a terribly difficult one to achieve.