I’d been looking for a new job for a while now and had begun to give up hope. Nearly all the companies where I had applied during the past few years had rejected me, and since the jobs were ones for which I was qualified, I began to suspect that I had simply become too old.

Then out of the blue some guy contacted me on LinkedIn for a consulting job at a company with a high international standing and recognized brand. He had found my profile wherein I had written (about a past job) that I’d been an instructional designer and trainer. He needed an instructional designer so boom, I got the job with a client of his.

The only problem is, while the instructional designer part is a pleasure to execute, the trainer part of the equation was a traumatic experience in this past job. I was much younger and wanted to learn about myself, so I volunteered for the work but soon discovered that my personality disorder is a big fly in the ointment. They threw me into half-sales, half-training situations in front of skeptical audiences. Pretty soon I learned to hate the job, an activity that no one at the organizaton wanted to touch with a 10 foot pole. There was really no way to escape without quitting the company, and they did everything they could to keep me in. I swore to myself that I would never do training again.

Why did I put it on my profile? Because it’s a competence and in this world you need to shout these from the rooftops. Unfortunately, the agency that hired me believes I can do it. In my first meeting with them I disclosed that the training part isn’t for me. He told me the client wants someone who can do both. Fuck. But the money is too good to pass up.

Starting the job

Actually he also advised me to take a wait and see attitude with the client. It could be they have someone else to do the training part, or much if not all of it can be shifted to eLearning. On Friday I went in to the interview - actually a first meeting since my contract was already approved & signed. The client is a thin and fatigued-looking man who gets stuff done. For a half hour we stood around his chair in the office while he poured out information. I didn’t come with a notepad but couldn’t have written anything anyway. I managed to remember much what he said and he mentioned I should come in on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

I suspect that I will eventually have to stand up in front of groups of 30 or 40 people, and honestly don’t know how I’m going to do it. At least the agency guy seems to have some empathy for my plight (“seems,” since I have not directly discussed with him what I disclose here).

The following week was typical of a consulting experience. Very little briefing (besides the Friday interview) and just getting thrown in to the situation. This is no problem though as I’ve seen it all before. Exactly ten years ago I began my first job as a consultant and remember that such situations were many times harder. Nowadays I feel more relaxed about my limits and don’t feel a need to prove myself. After two days of reading materials on their project file system, I see that I’m being called upon to design a training course for hundreds of people. My God, don’t they hire MBAs or people with at least a Masters in Instructional Design for this kind of work?

Luckily I worked at another organization that was going through the same painful transition to new processes exactly ten years ago and my memory still serves me correctly. So that’s a plus. As well, if I haven’t been doing anything till now to get over my condition, I’m forced at this moment to do so:

• To somehow not care what people think of my appearance or behavior
• To recover quickly from errors and mistakes made (whether social faux pas or wrong answers)
• To understand that life in general, and especially my situation now, is all about getting down to business and not insisting on living in my privileged intellectual bubble, or dwelling on thoughts of pleasure to escape reality
• To confront what makes me most uncomfortable in life, even as I have steadfastly refused to do this over nearly my entire lifespan

Consulting as an activity

What’s strange about such work is that you’re basically given a free ticket to do what you want. The client expects me to be on site for two days a week (and I will be), but I won’t be fired if I’m not. They just expect results and I can work in any way I want, even wearing jeans - which as a consultant I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing. And, I’m expected to act more knowledgable than I am - to dive into imposter syndrome like I’m swimming in honey.

Some of course love and relish this role. Not me, but I can try to play this if I must, just not with the kind of pleasure I would get compared to, say, building some SaaS application from scratch and watching it be successful. But there you have it, the role is open at this moment and I need the money.

The first week

As is typical of such situations, I work in a room full of other consultants (you can call this a box they keep away from their employees, or the shadow team that gets work done that the privileged employees don’t want to touch). Within this room/box we talk and share information. Being a reserved type of person, this isn’t easy for me but I try to grin & bear it. Especially after having spent the last few years working essentially alone.

It’s actually two consulting companies in this temporary office/meeting room: my own (consisting of me and this other guy), and another (more numerous) company, which was there since the beginning of the project and with whom I run the risk of causing a rift since I’m taking over a role that seems to have been confided to them at first. “It seems” - but in fact it’s all about scope. They’re there to install and train on SAP, and I’m there to train on all the major new processes being introduced (which incluces SAP). Got it? Good luck to me.

I spent the first week in that room, not saying much and trying to read all the project documentation despite the din of talking and motion. A young woman on the other team who started at the same time as me is behaving the same, though she’s a female and no one minds female introverts. I tried to mix in with the general conversation a little, gently and not trying to bluster my way in of course.

It’s apparent this social interaction on a daily basis will be a major challenge as well. I must learn to accept my discomfort (intolerable in my younger years) and live with the fact I’m not a perfect person and will make tons of mistakes, and who has a personality disorder that makes him commit even more mistakes on top of the ones already made.