Have you ever felt been in a period of your life when you are the most pessimistic ever, and not only feel that everything is against you (“what can go wrong, will”), but that all avenues of hope have been exhausted?

That’s where I am now. That consulting job? I’ve been informed that come January I am out. They will no longer be needing my services, though the contract should have run till June. I’ve noticed subtle changes in the client’s behavior towards me, and wonder whether he’s dismissing me because he’s disappointed first, or because he simply doesn’t have budget and is rationalizing getting rid of me. Does it matter anyway, when my only source of income is being extirpated?

I hate working there anyway. It’s an unorthodox project with an unorthodox client. He’s wrestling against great pressures, for sure. But I hate trudging into a place every morning and feeling useless. From day one, I wondered what the hell I was doing there anyway; write a training concept for an SAP project where it’s not even clear which software components are being installed? How do you have an idea of what to train people on when the software isn’t even ready before day one of the training? I told you this was an unorthodox project.

I guess what’s important to mention is my inner emotional state. I feel rotten, and I really mean fucking rotten. When nothing goes my way, when everything and everyone turns against me (mostly anyway), how am I supposed to feel. In the last couple of years - and I don’t know exactly when, how, or why - the world slowly turned against me. Whereas, 10 years ago things used to (mostly) go my way it seemed, nowadays I can’t even hold down a job despite being more skilled and knowledgeable than ever. All my projects in the past years seemed to end in failure. My relationship with my wife and daughter isn’t the best in the world (everyone seems to think being a stepfather is easy when it’s actually a damned difficult role).

Even worse than all the above, and what really contributes to the hopelessness, is the knowledge that sitting in the pit of myself are the same emotional dysfunctions that plagued me as a child. They are now coming back to haunt me… for example, my relationship with my daughter is cold - my parents never showed warmth so how can I show her that? Actually my wife and daughter treat me more as a big brother than a father figure, the exact opposite outcome than I had wished.

Dr. Sandra Parker always talks about confronting the reality of oneself in her videos, especially the emotional reality of oneself. Now, I would ask her, what if one carries so much sorrow inside that it interferes with one’s job? How can I be myself “in all situations” (a desired outcome she touts) when that “self” is harmful to my career and relations to others? I hid myself all my life and now in middle age I am making my first serious attempt “to be myself” (that phrase actually makes sense to me now). But the pain is so overwhelming that I just feel paralyzed with sorrow. It certainly doesn’t seem to help my relations with others.

Tomorrow I must trudge into that place - that pressure cooker - once more and confront all these negative issues. It’s like Groundhog Day or Edge of Tomorrow, only I don’t marginally improve but stay the exact same and struggle in the same ways as I always did.