Last Sunday a friend invited us to an art exposition. It was halfway across town and took place in the small attic floor of an apartment building. I don’t really pay attention to art anymore (after having had deeper interest when in my 20s) but went in order to appease my wife. There’s many more interesting things to see - how about an exposition about the Celts in Europe? But good; art can be interesting; it’s just that so much of it is meaningless (or humorous) these days, i.e., it doesn’t really evoke any strong feelings one way or another.

Since my realization last week about the true nature of my deeper issues of self stemming from childhood emotional neglect, and the newfound need to take a more parental view towards my own inner discomfort and feelings, I decided that during all such social situations - like going to an art exhibition taking place in a small room with a handful of strangers whom I have nothing in common with - I will henceforth let my inner feelings express themselves rather than hold them at bay (as I’ve been doing for nearly all my life).

This is of course far, far easier said or intended than done. Having the rest of my life in order to learn to be inside my own skin doesn’t detract from the extreme difficulty of attempting to not defend against one’s feelings - when it’s all I’ve ever done for nearly half a century.

Inside the exposition

The small room was painted white and it doubled as the atelier of the artist. Inside stood all her small objects, items taken from nature, especially from the forest (these were parts of wooden tree trunks or branches or smoothly carved marble stones). The objects were quite attractive and if I were a wealthy person and had space, I might have purchased one.

Standing around the room were other visitors. They were generally much older than me and spoke with each other and sipped wine. My wife and our friend knew some people and scattered off, leaving me alone. I moved among the pieces and stood beside a few, examining them. I was self-conscious, especially when I questioned whether I really belonged there. I exchanged a few words with the artist, asking the obvious questions about her process for creating the objects. But most of the time I was alone. I couldn’t go up to anyone and strike up a conversation because there was no common ground. Indeed many visitors seemed to be artists themselves, so it just wasn’t my world.

Suddenly I started losing confidence as I came to these realizations. A dark feeling of worthlessness emerged; it had a physical quality, almost as if I were wounded. Although I couldn’t see myself, I must have been giving off an aura of low confidence because I generally sense it in the others as they interact with me. It’s all about my poor body, my poor body that was denied and denied the possibility to express its natural feelings, which gives me so much trouble today. At times I feel tears well up in my eyes and at such moments (especially in public) I just can’t let it happen. What will others think as they notice my misty eyes as I walk among them?

What will others think?

This is the key question, the one that prevents me from being myself and finally getting over this goddamned dilemma. At work for instance I notice that now people avoid eye contact with me and keep their distance. How am I to deal with this, especially when I need to accept myself at this crucial stage in my life? And what does it mean? Do they judge me completely negatively, or only a part of me? For sure, I’m not a happy camper at my workplace. My assignment sucks and is almost doomed to failure (conditions for success clearly don’t exist). And now, especially at this phase of my life, I struggle intensely to understand myself and just be a better me, discovering slowly that I may not be the person I thought I was.

In all of this the thought occurred to me that maybe enduring others’ negative judgements is a necessary part of the process. That is, I should embrace the fact the client seems cold towards me, which feels threatening to my position and future. If a major impediment to my growth has been the fear of the judgement of others, and by “impediment to growth” I mean fear of others’ thoughts and opinions to the point I never allowed myself to just be me, then I should embrace the prospect of rejection. Although, it seems that just about everyone there avoids me (perhaps reflecting my own status as “insecure co-worker”), so I really have the fear of rejection from just about everyone. Believe me, the prospect of rejection from others fills me with unimaginable anxiety on the verge of panic, which makes my task even more Herculean.

Some therapists on YouTube like to include Buddhist symbols and even music in their videos. This makes sense because self-acceptance for some is a bitter struggle requiring untold strength and perseverence. I certainly wasn’t up to the task. For such people, the mere presence of another person, even a spouse, can disrupt one’s sense of self and bring up such a wave of anxiety that old habits of self-denial return (yes, I’m speaking about myself). Although I know next to nothing about Buddhism, its symbols and music inspire calmness and motivate me to center myself through meditative thought, to return to the body, that seat of power and wisdom. If I could only do this though… this is where the need to practice becomes important.

Part of the solution to keeping a meditative, centered perspective on my experience is not only relaxing and paying attention to inner sensations (and yes, also painful emotions, which are quite common in me), but also taking a permissive attitude to my anxiety and allowing myself to experience everything, even overwhelming numbness, which negates all my efforts to recognize my symptoms. Not only that, but (thirdly) I need to take an attitude that Rome wasn’t built in a day; if it took me decades till I reached this point then it may very well be that there will never be resolution to my issues (despite promises by therapists selling services and books). If there is no resolution then the best I can hope for is being able to manage things to an acceptable extent.