A week away from work and on vacation with the family doesn’t necessarily lead to more healing or realizations. In my case it mostly leads to non-resolution of core issues. There are both external and internal distractions. My wife has certain characteristics, like a strong personality, in which she constantly makes herself heard. My daughter and I get along and I would say our relationship always emerges stronger somehow after the time together (my work and her academically demanding school generally causes us to drift apart more).

However this didn’t prevent me from making a few observations. First, and as I sit here writing this, I realize that non-resolution generally leads to greater reluctance to face pain. Tomorrow I head back into the pressure cooker and feel unprepared. This is generally the opposite of what one expects from a so-called nice, relaxing vacation.

Secondly, the painful feelings that go parabolic in intensity when I’m around others (particular those I don’t know so well) seem to be (as sometimes perceived) related to the need for social reassurance; hey, I’m ok and others know and accept this. Thing is, I’m lacking this most basic trait of self-reassurance that most people seem to have. You, the reader, probably have this and don’t realize it. So how come I’m missing this? The most obvious answer points to my perpetually emotionally cold parents. I was around my mother a lot in my very younger years so she surely paid attention to me, but something happened whose effects I only feel today.

Even now it’s hard to focus on the pain and my mind purposely avoids it. It’s what Dr. Sandra Parker called “chronic self-abandonment issues.” She said some resort to the bottle, others drugs, and yet others overwork, etc. My avoidance is none of those things. It’s good, clean out-of-body experiences and numbness. I don’t hover on the ceiling above my body (or anything like that). Instead, to deal with painful sensations and even consequences of what’s inside, I “swallow” it (like Uranus swallowing his children). The reward is numbness but a vague feeling something’s not quite right.

She (Dr. Parker) rightly said that most people with my condition have two choices (Buddhists said “love or hate”), whereby they either ignore the pain but live with the numbness and lesser pain of denial and ignorance, or they face the excruciating feelings of the truth about themselves. The latter option is harder, but leads to (some) resolution, whereby the former strategy leads to a life of pain but no resolution.

What’s my truth?

I wish I knew. Even touching on the edge of the pain causes my mind to jump out of it again to find distraction. I wonder why it’s so much more unbearable than before… could it be that fear is now in the mix? Maybe the fact I no longer face it on a daily basis has led me to withdraw more but fear situations all the more.

I guess also, continuing with Dr. Parker’s “facing the truth about oneself” leads me to conclude (as I have all my life), that I am essentially a worthless person, so why live with this fact when I can be something else? My dad’s distance and contempt always led me to think this, as well as my lack of friends and social environment growing up. Why should things be different now?

In recent weeks at the new job I’ve tried to cope with this line of thinking by being more accepting of my own insecurities and fears. This has led me of course to reflect all this externally - although I fear the consequences of what others might think. Some people shun me more as a result, which is hard to cope with (when I notice it). It makes me feel humiliated. Why? Because I’m not indifferent to the behavior of others. Non-narcisstic self-love means I must accept this in me and show it to the world.