This past week I’ve experienced an ever-present dull pain inside of me. The pain is nearly impossible to directly perceive, and resolve, as it’s all wrapped up in layers of wax. This state of affairs started at work last week as I really tried to let my guard down among co-workers but when that happens, boy do some difficult perceptions arise. People at work tend to not make eye contact with me, which is a mystery as I cannot see my behavior in a mirror. But I still believe it’s now better for me to be real (despite all my flaws) than try to be someone who’s not me - which people pick up on anyway.

Maybe people don’t make eye contact because of my palpable sense of discomfort. I’d act the same probably, if I had an ill-at-ease and insecure co-worker. My attitudes in the past weeks have also changed. Whereas before, if I saw a successful person I would ask myself why can’t I be like that. Nowadays I just tell myself that can never be me; the successful person likely had supportive or semi-supportive parents who didn’t neglect their emotions. I’m stunted in that way and will spend the rest of my life clawing back whatever emotional support I can win for myself (through a process of my parent frontal lobes caring for my limbic child).

So from that standpoint the reason I can’t be a successful people is I have some pretty heavy issues to deal with, unlike those who are able to focus all their energies on their careers.

Throwing away Jesus

Growing up I was pretty religious. I prayed every night and served as an altar boy. While never wanting to become a priest later, I appreciated the catholic church for the security it gave me - security about the future especially. But as I grew older I began to realize that God was far more distant from man’s affairs than even I had taken for granted. During my childhood I went through a very tough stretch of 4 years (ages 10-13) when I was bullied in school, neglected by my parents, and generally isolated from everyone. The schools I attended changed nearly every year but the same group of dominant bully assholes always seemed to show up (for context, those were the days of desegration when some brilliant liberal administrators decided to socially experiment with children). When middle school started, the change from previous years was even worse. This was almost like a high school, a big, dark place of emptiness where students were expected to stick up for themselves or sink into oblivion. I had to stick up for myself but was clearly one of the beta males, which meant I was noticed by no one and none cared about my fate.

I developed some strategies to cope with these realities. I learned not to show weakness. My father always used to tell me that as a boy when they poured ketchup on a chick, all the other chicks would peck it to death. I guess that was his entire advice for children who have to cope with bullying. I grew ashamed of my feelings of vulnerability (and the culture I grew up in used shame to drill this into us). I also learned to pick on others who were weaker than me. This was a sign of strength, or so I thought. So many times today when I hear of accounts of prisons (and the brutality and loneliness in them) it seems I practically grew up in one.

Anyway one day when I was 12, I prayed and asked God why he allowed all this to happen to me. I was after all his faithful servant. I prayed regularly, served the church as I could, and generally tried to stay pious. I received no answer of course but over time grew disillusioned with the whole religion thing. I remember things reaching a head and throwing a tantrum, gathering all my relics like Bibles and crucifixes and throwing them ritually in the trash. I say ritually since I picked them up out of the trash once the storm blew over but things were never the same. I felt an emptiness inside that hadn’t been there before, and took this as proof that God had somehow damned me and abandoned me forever. I tried to make amends with him but to no avail. It was finally over between me and God. Despite my regret about the occurrence I continued to pray until I was 14 or so then finally realized the futility of the whole thing.

Kids often act out their inner feelings so this memory leads me to wonder whether it wasn’t an expression of my disappointment in my own parents. Somehow I “ran away” that day when I threw all those symbols in the garbage. My extreme disappointment with the higher authority manifested itself as rage against God. I had held up my end of the bargain but he hadn’t. In a way all this reflects my entire experience with people in general. They will always abandon and leave me no matter how well I hold up my end of the bargain or despite my faith in them. It’s all just a big shell game with a person who is greater than you, yet is simply selfish or self-interested, much like an asteroid circling the sun and noticing the sun is indifferent. The person is barely capable of noticing you, not even mentioning noticing your needs.

Another memory comes to mind of my father and I at the beach. He bade me get on his shoulders as we headed into the roiling ocean. I must have been 4 or 5 and was flattered and enthusiastic about the attention he suddenly showed me. He crouched down as I sat on his slick neck and shoulders and we both stood tall and proud as we headed out to sea. The level of the sea got deeper and deeper and soon the waves were crashing against my face. I tried to breathe and started screaming as, whale like, he walked forward into the ocean and the top of his head sank beneath waves and soon, mine too. I absolutely panicked and struggled to loose myself from the grip of his arms on my legs but to no avail. He had my legs clamped tightly and there was no hope of getting air.

I was riding on the shoulders of a god who moved majestically in whichever direction it pleased him, and who didn’t notice my struggles, even if I was trying to stay alive.

When I asked him about this years later he said he was only joking.

My conclusion in life is that people are just inherently selfish, no matter their relation to you, and there’s no reason I shouldn’t be the same. My faith and attachment to one person will ultimately be disappointed and there’s no point in having a deep attachment to anyone. Life and human relationships are all part of a cynical game where we try to get advantages out of the other.